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Managing Conflict: What’s Your Strategy?

Conflict is something we all experience at work, at home, and sometimes in between, but few of us like or know how to deal with it comfortably. Many of us perceive conflict as something negative: in a marriage we might be afraid that this is the beginning of the end. At work, we may not know how to express our dissent or disapproval so we keep our mouths shut.

Few of us were taught how to deal with sticky situations, anger, or frustration. As kids, when conflicts came up between ourselves and our siblings, many of us were told "don't fight," and if we ever witnessed an argument between adults, chances are, it wasn’t a fine example of mediation skills in action. It was probably more of a free for all. As a result, we learned to either "go for the throat" or stay mum and this is what we bring to adulthood.

Now that we’re grownups, we recognize that conflict is a constant in our lives but when pressed, it’s hard to know exactly how to handle it effectively. In my programs on conflict management I borrow from the work
of the eminent psychologist, Karen Horney. She stated that there are essentially three strategies for dealing with conflict: away, toward, or against.

Here’s how her approach works: First, we’ll cover the option of moving away from the person who represents the conflict: we can deny, ignore, avoid, or stifle our feelings. The "away" strategy can work short term: we can sleep on the problem, take a cooling off period, or count to ten. But for the long term, the strategy of moving away creates emotional distance and possibly a growing resentment between the parties. Outright avoiding a conflict offers no possible solutions or reconciliation, and as a result, the conflict simmers.

The strategy of moving against the person representing the conflict, while more overt, also has its flaws. When we move against someone, it’s not hard to figure out that our intent is to ‘be right" and prove them wrong. In moving against, we want to get back at the other party, punish them, demonstrate how off base they are, maybe even hurt their feelings, but generally we’re out to "score points." It’s probably clear that this approach most likely will at best, diffuse the issue, and at worse, escalate the conflict and invite retaliation.

The third strategy, moving toward the person and the conflict, while perhaps the most difficult initially, is a long-term, constructive strategy that focuses on resolving the issue, clearing the air, and maintaining the relationship. The intent is to reconcile rather than retaliate, clear the air rather than complicate issues, and fix the relationship instead of fracture it.

The "moving toward" strategy requires that you:

acknowledge the conflict (rather than deny it)
admit how you may be contributing to it (rather than simply blaming the other person)
identify common ground (rather than focus on differences or perceived deficiencies)
focus on issues (rather than personality or style)
deflect escalation or diffusion tactics (rather than get defensive)
stay focused on resolution (rather than retaliation)
think about results (instead of wanting to be right)

Sound plausible? It is. Possible? It is! Conflict management is a trained skill, requiring communication, self-evaluation, self-discipline, and desire. If you’ve never had any coaching or education in effective conflict
management, I highly recommend it. In the meantime, simply by asking yourself the question, "Am I moving away, against, or toward this person right now?" you’ll keep yourself focused on results and resolution rather than having to be right!

Permission to reproduce with byline:
© 2003. Leslie Charles, speaker, trainer, and author of "Why Is Everyone So Cranky?" TRAININGWORKS, PO Box 956, East Lansing, MI 48826 517.675.7535 www.lesliecharles.com

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