When someone you care about is facing loss or grief, you will want to show support. The grimmer the situation, the harder it is to know what to say or do. Take comfort in knowing that something as simple as “I am so sorry” is honest and authentic. I say this because some attempts to connect, comfort or console can get lost in translation.
Below are four all-too-common statements of condolence that, while well-intended, can spark emotional arguments from a grieving person. The reactions listed below won’t likely be said aloud but the recipient may be harboring thoughts similar to what you see here.
“Well, she is in a better place now.” What if the recipient strongly disagrees? REACTION: As far as I’m concerned, being with me WAS a better place! RESULT: The statement is rejected, resented or considered insulting because it sounds dismissive.
“Everything happens for a reason.” What if the grieving person doesn’t believe this? REACTION: How dare you suggest there’s a “because” behind this! RESULT: Sweeping declarations like this one can be irritating.
“You are handling this so well!” What if the person is feeling exactly the opposite? REACTION: Are you kidding? I’m falling apart. I’m broken. Are you blind? RESULT: You may be taken as insincere or shallow.
“I can’t imagine how I’d feel.” Wait, when did this become all about you? REACTION: I could tell you how I really feel if I thought you cared. RESULT: Emotional distance.
One way to convey support, comfort or empathy is to stay within the framework of the other party’s world view. Let your words reflect their values instead of imposing yours. Again, “I’m so sorry” can be enough.
While the Golden Rule reminds us to treat others as we want to be treated, strive to treat those who are grieving in a way they feel supported. Empathy is always about the other person and listening is often more effective than talking. I hope these ideas will help you feel more comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
© 2025. Leslie Charles, Speaker, Author, Funeral-life Celebrant. leslie@lesliecharles.com